• Anger. Sorrow. Guilt.
    Hopelessness. Loneliness.
    Fear.
    Pain.

    I'm engulfed by darkness.
    Not the quiet, comforting kind.
    Rather,
    the cold, lonely, tormenting kind.
    I want to get out, to run away from it,
    but I'm bound down by chains and shackles
    that cannot be seen nor touched nor felt.
    I'm trapped.

    If they had a special light with which
    they could see dried tears,
    like they have to see blood
    that's been cleaned up,
    then I'm sure they would find
    that my eyes and cheeks
    are stained darkly with
    the thousands of tears
    I've cried in my life.

    I can see people my age;
    my peers.
    They stand there
    laughing at me,
    jeering at me,
    judging me,
    ridiculing me.
    Some shove me around,
    while others throw things.

    I scream,
    but none of them
    seem to hear me or my anguish.
    If they do, then they just don't care.

    I beg the adults I see
    beyond my peers
    to help me,
    to make them stop.
    They just look at me with pity
    and say that they will,
    but they don't.
    They tell me to ignore them.
    They say my peers torment me
    because I'm an easy target.
    I know they mean well, but
    their words make me feel like
    it's my fault.
    Because I'm different.

    I can turn to the few friends that I have.
    For now at least.
    But I know that it's probably
    only a matter of time
    before they walk away from me, too,
    just like so many others in the past have.

    I think a lot of them see me as
    'high maintenance' or
    too chatty for their liking
    after they get to know me better,
    so they just walk away.
    Some of them find 'cooler' friends
    and no longer see me as
    'worthy' of being their friend.

    It seems like all of my friends
    are changing.
    While they change,
    I stay the same.
    There are a few
    who are still decent to me,
    but I can tell that
    what we once had is gone.

    As I watch them walk away,
    one by one,
    I try to run after them,
    but I can't because
    I'm still chained and shackled.
    I can only
    reach out my hand towards them
    and cry,
    “No! Wait! Don’t go!
    Please don't go!
    Don't leave me here!
    I'm scared!
    I don't want to be alone!”
    They don't even look back.

    I jolt awake
    in a cold sweat,
    breathing heavily.
    I tell myself over and over that
    it was just a nightmare.
    As my nerves settle, though,
    I realize that
    it wasn’t just a nightmare,
    just a dream.
    It was a reflection of
    my life,
    caught in a never-ending cycle
    of abandonment and pain.
    As I bow my head to cry,
    I think about all of the friends
    I’ve lost.
    Too many.
    The tears start to fall,
    staining my face darker.
    Time and time again,
    I've been forsaken
    and forgotten.