The sun

• Artist: Mario the Davidic Hero
• Description: It usually reflects on my day-to-day progresses taking place in the summer. I've been thinking about this since the beginning of 7th grade and had reflected about this ever since. Enjoy!
• Date: 07/09/2010
• Tags:

Morning breaks
I'm out of bed
The morning sun
Its hot sunlight shining at my head

Notice the silhouette behind me
Sometimes warms my mood
Another perfect day
Means spiritual food

Every day is hotter
Days are rarely cold
What should I do right now?
The break will still unfold

Not hidden in the shadows
Enjoy the perfect scene
I need more than a walk
The sun makes the grass really green

Not even close to noon yet
I'm still awakened from heat
Everyone must be at the beach surfing
As I have my own plans to meet

Walking in the fields of green
The sun is at my feet
This broad sunlight remains to be unseen
As my skin still builds up the rays of heat.

The beach is the best place for me
I'm not always alone
My back is always prone
But all this light is dazzling for me to see

Looking back as sunset begins
My mind shall not bend
For as everything that I've seen today
It won't be the beginning of an end.

Comments

[EmmyMurphy]

i just love the last line of the last stanza! keep it up!

[serendipity_mule]

awesome!!!

[Shamyrie]

I love it. The ending wraps it up wonderfully. :3

[The Blonde Sally]

very beautiful, especially the VERY last line! ^^

[PoodiePie]

Thank you so, so much for sharing! I miss being an English major college student, and love going over poetry and prose! PLEASE KEEP UP YOUR GREAT WRITING!

[PoodiePie]

Nice~! You might try reading it aloud to hear where there are too many words, or the pattern breaks (the first stanza ends with a long line, after many short lines. This feels weird. Perhaps make it short too, such as 'hot at my head.')

[PoodiePie]

Stanza two - you change tense. Do you mean to do so? If not, "warms" should be "warming." Stanza III has a weird final line too. "Grass so really green" might be tighter. However, this stanza has two unique lines - the NOT standing in shadows I didn't expect and enjoyed; ditto the "I need more than a walk." Stanza IV seems like an ominous turn, and I like it.