Lonely House

• Artist: xxxemocuriexxx
• Description: This poem has a really wierd rhythm secret. Comment if you find it!
• Date: 12/16/2008
• Tags: lonely house

I'm alone in this house
This place of sleeping
I need no one
No one comes.

I went outside to walk
I needed some air
And i saw you
I want you.

You did tell me your name
You told me it was
A name I love
I need you.

As stupid as I am
I left these feelings
And returned to
Whence I came.

You did come to this place
This house of dying
Souls, and you sat
And loved me.

Now this is a place where
Fantasies live and
Wishes come true
I love you.

Comments

[axel52]

it sounds very interesting

[Coin-Operated Fantasy]

Six syllables, five syllables, four syllables, three syllables.
Interesting poem, but it sounds halting and somewhat awkward. It would flow a lot better if you tried using the same tense throughout the poem (I.e. First line- "I'm alone in this house", "You did come to this place,".) It seems as though this is a narrative, but if so, the first line should have read "I was alone" instead of "I am". In that way, there would have been only one exception to the rhyme scheme; and that's alright. :3

[the4thE]

i like this poem a lot. the style is cool

[xxxemocuriexxx]

you didnt have to read it, but thank you for the comment.

[B-B-B-BeanCup]

6, 5, 4, 3.

Use forms to enhance your work, not to restrict it. It really sounds like you've forced this syllable scheme by using odd tenses and just... poor phrase structure that really makes this poem aggravating to read.

[Hatchet Girl 1990]

its ok

[Hatchet Girl 1990]

its ok