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Ice should kiss her ankles; reverantly.
Freezing outward from bone-cold skin
showing the path she danced
into the water.
Her trail ended at the bank
pressed into hardened snow
reflected in grey sky
A goodbye kiss written
in her turn to the woods,
her last look back
A melting momento.
- by aidan scorch |
- Poetry And Lyrics
- | Submitted on 09/06/2008 |
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- Title: Autumn's Bride
- Artist: aidan scorch
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Description:
Something I did while bored and waiting for my romm-mate to get out of the shower.
I'd kill for comments. Anything at all. "This sucks", "I hate line 5", "Your avi looks like he's been hit in the head with a fry-pan". Whatever you're willing to mention, EVERYthing's constructive. - Date: 09/06/2008
- Tags: autumns bride
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Comments (5 Comments)
- Taylark - 05/31/2010
- Nice imagery, I could see her. Though there is some confusion. You flip from past tense to present tense half way through. It would work better if you made it all present tense and got rid of the word should in the first line. But that's just my opinion. You have talent, keep up the good work!
- Report As Spam
- the_ashen_child - 09/12/2008
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"fry-pan"? that's a bit harsh.
its a good poem, maybe you could work one being more clear with your
menings - Report As Spam
- aidan scorch - 09/07/2008
- I think I trade imagry for liniarity and clarity too much. Thank you both for the input.
- Report As Spam
- taybeekins slave - 09/06/2008
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nice, it insipired me XD
good for you - Report As Spam
- VampirePrincessVermillion - 09/06/2008
- a little confusing but i like it
- Report As Spam
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