• CHAPTER I

    Rain drops trickled down the windows and I can’t help but compare the weather to the sentiment I was in. Streaks of lightning appeared to what earlier was a clear blue sky. The storm was coming in.

    My phone buzzed and I tightened my grip around it. My heart pounded and my knees felt weak. I don’t know how much more I can take. How many times have I gone through this? I don’t know how is it that I still find myself surprised not to be used to this scenario, this feeling, this kind of pain. When after all, I have been through this for what almost feels like a thousand times. I should have been used to having my heart broken. Having him breaking it. But then, no one ever can be prepared enough.

    Another buzz from my phone interrupted me from my thoughts. I mindlessly tapped the screen alive and there it was. His answer.

    Friends? We’re not cut in for that. I will never
    see you as a friend. We can never be like that.

    Hey, you still there?

    I held back the tears like I always have. I let out a quiet sob and tried to collect myself. Why did I even ask if we could be friends? I feel so stupid for hoping that we could. He’s right, we can never be friends. There will always be that thick big wall between us. A wall created by the relationship we had. The relationship we keep trying to have. After years of trying, it finally dawned to me that what we were trying to achieve is impossible.

    My phone rang and I quickly put it on silent. I hate answering calls. But as it kept vibrating, it became more unbearable. I couldn’t bear the idea that it was him calling, and as much as I hate answering calls, I hated getting him angry more. When he’s mad, the devils inside him tend to get the best of him and it scares the hell out of me. He transforms into this despicable self-righteous monster. So, with that in mind, I finally answered. There was nothing but an eerie silence on the other end, so I cleared my throat and hesitantly spoke “Hello?”

    “I was waiting” he said coldly. I struggled to find the right words to say but I was deeply intimidated by how cold he sounded. I suddenly wanted to hang up. In the back of my mind, it felt like I already know where this conversation is going again. But I am through with being too scared of him.

    “Why?” I asked confidently.

    “Why what? Why was I waiting? A bit stupid for a question don’t you think? You’re not answering and that’s why.” He explained sharply and I was beginning to feel terrified all over again.

    “No not that. I mean why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we just be friends? Let’s face it, we can’t be together the way we want to.”

    “I can never see you as a friend Lana. Right from the start you were someone I wanted. I want you to be mine, not to be my friend.”

    “Can’t we at least give it a shot?”

    “Why bother? If you say we can’t be together, how can we be friends? I can’t be your friend and you know that. You know that every time I have to look at you, I’ll remember how we can’t be together. And I can’t live with that. I can’t live that way.”

    “So we can’t be anything if we can’t be together?”

    “Yes. I’d rather move on.”

    And those words lingered on me like an arrow shot right into my chest. I searched for the right words to say but I just found myself holding back the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes. There’s this horrible pain building up in my throat and I’m afraid that a single word uttered may break me down entirely. So I stayed silent as long as it was possible. I listened to his breathing and I wish I knew what was going on inside his mind. Thoughts of our first phone conversations came flashing back, I remembered how we used to just listen to each other’s breathing and talk about the most ridiculous things. We were happy back then. I was happy. What happened?

    “Can’t you at least give US another shot? Not as friends.” he asked breaking the silence.

    “How many times have we tried?” I asked him and myself the same question, because I have honestly lost track already.

    “Does that really matter? Isn’t it enough that I keep coming back? I keep coming back for you. And here I am again because I know that no matter what I do, I’d still end up with you.”

    “You do don’t you? And I should be happy about that? You have managed to break my heart every single time you come running back. I guess I have to congratulate you on that. I actually can’t believe how many times I allowed the same guy to break my heart over and over again. How many times did you leave me for some girl you say you love? Two? Three? And how many times did you say it was because of my terrible attitude? How about the times you said it was because of our families? Or the times you pushed me away when I refused to do what you wanted? And amazingly, you have managed to put all the blame on me for every…”

    “Enough. I get it.” he interrupted sounding cold as ever.

    “I get it and I’m sorry." He sighed and continued talking.
    "Really I am. So, use me. Get even with me. Do whatever you wish.” He said it in a tone far from the cold one he was using earlier, but it didn’t sound sincere either. There was something about the way he said it that made me doubt the words.

    “What?” I asked dubious with what he just said. Did I hear that right? For the first time, he actually apologized for what he used to deny before. Usually he’d find an excuse to turn things against me, like how everything is my fault and how I made him do those things. A greater part of me still refuses to believe what I’m hearing, so I pinched myself like a fool trying to wake from a dream.

    “I agree with you. I made bad decisions back then and I’m making up for it now.”

    To be continued....