stranger pg 1

• Artist: kiwifruit1
• Description: this is a story of a girl who meets a boy and she cant stop thinking about him but what she doesn't know is that he has a secret..........a dark secret will she find out in time.in time for what u ask? in time before she is murdered by the love of her life
• Date: 06/14/2010
• Tags: stranger

have you ever had that feeling,that feeling that someone is watching you.well i knew someone was watching me i turned around fast but no one was there then out of the corner of my eye i saw a shadow lingering behind a tree i was debating in my mind weather or not to go to the tree my instincts said to go but my mind said to play it safe and run.........my instincts won i slowly walked over to the tree carful not to make too many sudden movements when i got to the tree i saw ....a boy a boy maybe my age about 15 and he was beautiful.

OK that is the end of page one if you want to hear the next page comment below thx for reading
biggrin heart biggrin heart biggrin

Comments

[fire monkey95]

ok your grammer is bad and your puncuation is terrible you really need to add osme commers intot hat, it could be a really good story i would higly recomend going into more detail about the area your in and describe everything as it really helps to bring a story to life, keep at it smile

[kiwifruit1]

and it does describe the boy on the next page

[kiwifruit1]

thx so much i wasnt actually focusing on grammar issues just the story but thx so much

[Whigg]

I'm not sure what I'm rating this, but not high. It needs work.

[Whigg]

1) This needs a lot of help grammatically.
2) It lacks capitals.
3) 'Whether', not 'weather'.
4) Don't overuse ellipses. "..." is what one uses in the middle of a sentence, "...." is what one uses at the end of a sentence. And the ellipses after "play it safe and run" are totally unnecessary.
5) Don't tell us the boy is beautiful, show us. Describe him.
6) You need to read this in your head or aloud, find where you think a reader would pause and insert commas.

[kiwifruit1]

plz rate