• On December Fourteenth, 2009, a scientist in Plainsville, Nebraska will discover the cure for cancer. She will publish her findings and become known world-wide. Her further exploits will cure many diseases, such as HIV, Cystic Fibrosis, Meningitis, and Alzheimer's Disease. Her discoveries will change the world as we know it. But this story isn't about her.

    One day, a rather unremarkable day to speak of, a stupid young man from a small town in Connecticut decides to take a very large sip of his drink. One that his mouth does not have the capacity for. Now, the young man had two choices. He could either attempt to choke down his drink and kill himself in the process, or he could spray it out in front of him. However, concidering there was company nearby that he didn't want to witness such a vulgar act, he has a debate in his head. One he doesn't have time for.

    Now, let us travel deep into the inner workings of this young man. Right into the respiratory system. There, a door marked "Maintenance" slams open and an amoeba bursts out and begins running down what we will call a "hallway". This amoeba is named Hans. He is about to experience a series of very unfortunate events. Hans runs down the hallway screaming "OPEN ZE EMERGENCY VALVE!!!" Unfortunately, nobody is around to hear him. And so, Hans runs down the hall and reaches a small room. There, he turns a large circular valve as quickly as he can. A chamber opens up, and an effect similar to a wind tunnel occurs. Hans holds onto the valve for dear life as 42 mile per hour winds blow through the room and out the chamber.

    Let us return to the young man. Unable to hold in his drink any longer, he spits it out and gasps for air. He covered everybody(Which was 5 people, as a matter of fact) in a 2 foot radius in front of him in his drink. Several angry gazes came upon the young man. But let's not worry too much about him, shall we?

    Hans forcefully shuts the chamber, and he exhales with relief. Just then, an alarm goes off. "DEAR GOD, HE IS DOING IT AGAIN?!" shouts Hans as he reaches for the short-wave radio mounted on the nearby wall. Hans then decides to use this radio to call for help. "HELLO? GET ME THE BRAIN! " After being connected, he screams "HELMET? HELMET, ARE YOU THERE?"

    Now, it should be known that Helmet is the brain's main worker. He dictates what the young man does, and when he does it. Right now, the young man was on autopilot, since Helmet was currently smoking a large amount of weed and listening to the Beatles. Helmet barely hears Hans' cries over his music. "HELMET? ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!" Now, in his current high, Helmet could barely process what he just heard. So he replies to Hans, "Helmet's not here! This is the Walrus!" A very angry scream could be heard coming from Hans over the radio. "GOTT VERDAMMEN BEATLES!" (Translation: God Damn Beatles!)

    Hans ran back down the hall in an effort to find help and took the first left he could, heading down some stairs. This is where the second unfortunate event occurs. Hans slips and takes a nasty fall down said stairs. As he hits the bottom, another amoeba (just an intern, for your information) by the name of Marcus runs over to help Hans. "Hans, dude! Are you alright?" A very pained whisper escapes from Hans' mouth. "Nicht warum habe ich Füße?" (Translation: Why do I not have feet?)