• Love. Some say it’s just a feeling, other’s say it doesn’t exist. But to me it’s life. I can’t live without someone’s touch. I need them with me. Sadly I only have false love.
    You know the kind that feels real but you find out he is cheating? Ah, I know this feeling all to well. I am an expert on cheating, break ups, and false love. I can’t help it! I know the guy is fake, yet I fall every time.
    One person I can always count on to never hurt me, is my best friend Aiden. We had been friends for years. He had seen me at my worst and at my best. He had been there for me, boyfriend after boyfriend, heartbreak, after heartbreak. He knew everything about me.
    Why couldn’t he tell me, I deserved better? Why couldn’t he tell me that I didn’t need him in my life? I guess it didn’t matter. This was my life and I can’t change it. Heartbreak is my life.
    The years gone by and I was about to graduate when I realized, I loved him. I loved my best friend. It wasn’t the kind of love that I felt before. This was different. This was more then anything I have ever felt.
    With graduation two weeks away, I knew that I had to say something to him. But what would happen? He couldn’t possibly have the same feelings as I do. He would reject me and be like any of my other “loves”.
    I locked those feelings in a box deep in my heart. I wouldn’t tell him, I wouldn’t even think about it. They would stay dormant, and never be told. Telling him would be the hardest thing I could do.
    The graduation day finally came. I walked down that aisle, not knowing that this was going to be one of the worst nights of my life. I walked with my head held high, and proud that I had finally made it. With all my friends, I took my diploma. I was proud of all my friends, and happy that I could finally be done with everyone.
    The last name had been called, and the last cap had been thrown. I tried to look for Aiden, to tell him that I was so glad we had done it. I couldn’t find him anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. I asked but no one knew.
    I went home with my head down, not knowing where my best friend was. Fearing what had happened. I couldn’t believe that he was just gone. When I went into my room a sealed envelope was on my bed. It had the words Elle written on the top. I slowly opened it.
    Elle,
    I am sorry for leaving so soon. I didn’t want to, but I have a job lined up in Idaho. I have to leave tomorrow morning. I am sorry I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, or even tell you what was going on. But I knew you would just try to stop me and say I shouldn’t go.
    Please understand that you are my best friend and always will be. I will miss you every day and try to write or call often. I am planning on coming home soon.
    Love your dearest,
    Aiden
    I cried. I missed him. I wanted him to be here. I wanted to tell him everything. I couldn’t believe he would just leave like that. He was my best friend. What would happen to me? How would I be able to handle anything without him?
    Those feelings I had, crept up. The box had unlocked and everything I felt for him poured out. I let him go. He won’t ever know the feelings I have for him because I waited to long. I waited to long for the only love I would ever have.
    I cried for days, weeks, until finally I was able to stop. Realizing, he wasn’t coming back. I had to move on. I couldn’t lock the feelings up, but I could hide them. I went out, I dated more.
    More false love, more heartbreak, more tears. I never stopped thinking about him, never stopped wishing he would turn up. He never did.
    I hadn’t heard from him for a while. I was beginning to think he had forgotten about me. Then one day I checked my email. Surprisingly I got an email from him. It read…
    Dear Elle,
    I know it has been awhile since I have written or called. I am sorry for that. I just have been busy and haven’t gotten a chance. I miss you. I miss everything there. Please email me back.
    Love,
    Aiden
    Once again those feelings came pouring out. I couldn’t handle him being so far away. I needed him here. I had to tell him, even if he was too far away. I had to. So I wrote…
    Dear Aiden,
    I miss you, too. I want you here, closer to me. I have something to tell you, that I have needed to say for a long time. It’s hard for me to say these words because I don’t know your true feelings. It’s amazing how hard it is to confess to you just three little words. I guess all I am trying to say is that…I love you, I have always loved you. I tried to tell you so many times but I couldn’t. Now you’re gone. I had waited to long. I am sorry.
    Elle
    Closing my eyes I hit the send button. I sat there for a while, just listening to the quietness of my house. Wondering what he will say, fearing what he would say. Sighing I closed my laptop and went to lie down. My head hurt as well as my heart.
    As soon as my head hit the pillow I slept. I dreamed of the first summer I met him, how sweet and innocent we were. The lake was wonderful, and clear. The smells of summer were all around us. Going to picnics at the park, swimming everyday, catching fire flies at night. It was the best summer of my life.
    I woke up with a jolt. It was the middle of the night. Slowly I got up and checked my email. I had received a reply from him.
    Elle,
    It was a surprise to find that email. Ever since that first summer that we met, I have loved you. I didn’t want to tell you. You were always in love with someone else. That person was never me.
    I left knowing you wouldn’t love me. I tried to escape everything. I tried to escape the hurt and the love. I realize now that you had loved me. This was a big mistake. I shouldn’t have left you. I am sorry.
    Love always,
    Aiden
    Not believing what I had just read, I just sat there. I must have read it 10 times before I could reply.
    Aiden,
    I can’t tell you how stunned I was when I read that. I didn’t know you had feelings for me. I always thought you would never want me. I guess we both waited to long. Now it can’t be changed. You are gone.
    We can’t be together. You are to far away. Maybe these feelings aren’t supposed to be felt. Maybe we were never meant to be. I am sorry.
    With sadness,
    Elle
    This time I did not cry. I sat and stared into space, nothing more. It must have been hours before I had the sense to get up and take a shower, washing away all the pain and hurt. Finding some truth in the words I spoke. We had waited to long and it cost us both greatly.
    Solemnly I got ready for the day. Not checking my computer. Not wanting his words to fill my head with lost hopes and dreams. I could tell, today was going to be one of the loneliest days of my life.
    I went through the day without speaking. I didn’t see the need. Every time I talked to someone I get hurt. For the first time in my life, I felt nothing. I didn’t want to feel anything.
    I felt like I was being a coward, when I began to avoid my computer. Sighing I sat down at my little black computer desk. I read his letter last.
    Dear Elle,
    I have wanted you all my life. It hurt me badly when you said we couldn’t be. I am begging you; please don’t do this to me. I love you so much it hurts. I don’t want to be far away from you anymore. Please Elle. I won’t ever hurt you. I love you to much.
    Pleading,
    Aiden
    At this, I did cry. Harder then I have since he left. I couldn’t have him. It wasn’t possible. I knew for sure that he would hurt me. I had to tell him I can’t do this. I can’t have him.
    Aiden,
    I can’t do this. You know that I love you more then anyone I have ever met, but you’re just too far away. I need someone here for me, always. I am sorry. We can’t be. I know you will hurt me in some way. They always do.
    Sorry,
    Elle
    I sat there for 3 hours crying my eyes out. I had just given up the only love I have ever had.
    He didn’t email me after that. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. It was eating at me. I needed him. Even with all the hurt, I knew it would be even worse to love him. I didn’t go out. I didn’t return my friends calls or texts.
    One time a friend of mine came over. We began talking and in the middle of it she caught a glimpse of my arm, cuts all the way down. She asked me why. I told her one word, Aiden. I knew she would try to talk to him after this. Ask him to speak to me. I didn’t care.
    Turned out she didn’t or at least Aiden didn’t listen to her. He still didn’t speak to me. It had been two months. I was sitting alone in my house, reading a book when someone knocked on my door. I knew it was one of my friends who had come to see if I was ok.
    Sighing, I went to my door. I nearly collapsed when I seen him. It was him, almost as perfect as he had been. I held on to the door, tight.
    I mumbled the words “What are you doing here?” He grabbed my arm and lifted up my sleeve reviling the cuts.
    “Why? Tell me why you did this” He was crying. He was scared for me, scared of loosing me.
    “I - I don’t know. Just, it hurt so much.” Tears that had been building up now streamed down my face. Why was he here? Why now?
    “I love you, Elle. Let me help you!” He pulled me into his arms. I pushed away, dropping to the floor. He tried to help me up, but I held up a hand, meaning for him to leave.
    I had my head down, hugging my knees. I didn’t even look up to see him mouth the words “I love you”
    Again weeks passed, nothing from him. I knew he had gone back. Why would he stay here? He couldn’t have.
    I had gotten worse. More cuts, never returning calls. Still, I didn’t want to love him. Some people called me stubborn. I just didn’t want him if it was just going to end.
    On the brink of loosing my sanity, I gave in. I had to talk to him. I had seen that he was online. I sent him a message.
    Elle: Aiden?
    Aiden: ELLE! Are you ok?
    Elle: I am fine.
    Aiden: You are talking to me again?
    Elle: Yes, I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have turned you away like I did. You were the only thing good in my life.
    Aiden: Can you wait 5 minutes?
    Elle: Sure.
    I guessed he was busy with his work. I sat patiently. It had been a couple minutes and still no answer from him. Sighing I went into my kitchen. I got a big glass of water and just sat there.
    The doorbell rang. I almost didn’t answer it. I thought that maybe I should stop hiding from everything. I slowly went to the door. He was there, kneeling, holding a little black box.
    “Elle, marry me. Love me for all eternity. I will never hurt you. Just say you will and I will be here to protect you." He looked into my tear filled eyes. I was speechless.
    He slid the ring on my finger. Tears were running down my cheeks. “When did you get here?” “I stayed here. I was waiting for the day you realized you loved me, too. I would have waited till the end of time for you”
    We lived, we loved, we cried together. This was something everyone searches for, many have failed. I almost lost him, and I realize that I would have been nothing without him. He is my heart, my soul, my every breath. He means more to me then anything.
    If you ever find this love, hold on to it. Don’t do what I did. Don’t say it will hurt more. The truth is living without love, is like a person without a soul. It’s not a life without it. Yes, it may hurt. But in the end it will all be worth it. You could say you lived the best life you could, and tried your hardest.
    Don’t give up. There is always a better day.