Heartbeat

• Artist: awesomecacy
• Description: It was meant to be a poem (hence the way it's written) but noone was reading it cause it was uber long. It's still up in poems, but I thought mroe people would read it here.
  PLEASE DON'T JUST NOT READ IT BECASUE IT'S LONG!
  Comments and Ratings greatly appreciated! I love this, I hope you do too!
  Dedicated to Leah Baker and her ucle (I'll put his name when I remember) Who died from cancer a short while after I wrote this.
• Date: 05/29/2009
• Tags: heartbeat cancer love death

I listened to the heartbeat
ta-thump-ta-thump
her head leaned against my chest
I stroked her long blonde hair
that soon may be gone
her frail hand
placed in mine
looked tiny
everything about her
it seemed fragile
afraid I would break it
but I knew
I could never break her spirit

I pushed her on the swing
where I had swung her many times before
my heart, it ached
ached to tell her everything
she should have known before

Her eyes
oh how they shone
they shone like a million raindrops
sparkling against her strong spirit
nothing could break her
not even what was inside of her

I saw mommy crying
in the living room
with her I sat down
words were not necessary
we both had the same thing
laid on our hearts
I grabbed her hand
afraid to cry,
but I did,
because
Little Kaila’s cancer…
was confirmed

I held her hand
in the cold hospital room
kids younger then Kaila
played together, laughing
Kaila
I asked one day
are you afraid?
Kaila held a stuffed bear I got her
for her birthday when she was 3
in her small hand
promise you won’t tell mommy?
she asked quietly
I was confused,
why?
she looked up
her blue eyes penetrating mine
forcing the words out of my mouth
I promise
Kaila sighed
I am, but mommy needs me to be strong
for her, I can’t let her see how scared I am.
I closed my eyes for a second
Kaila was so wise
for just a little 7 year old girl

Sissy?
Kaila asked one day
we were laying in her bed together
her long hair
was sitting on the bedside table
her head was in a purple hat
her favorite color
she said purple was relaxing
Yes?
I asked, I longed to be stroking her long hair
just like the old days,
where we had no cares in the world
Will you tell me that story? Just one more time?
I raised my eyebrows
again?
I knew exactly what story she was talking about
it had always been her favorite
when she was a baby
I would tell her it every night
untill it lolled her asleep
I would keep adding things
my story never was complete
What do you want me to add?
she leaned against me
add a storm,
and add a sister
a lovely sister
one with honey colored hair
I smiled at her,
she always had the best ideas
I nodded
OK.
I took a breath and started the story

and I added the storm
and the lovely sister
and I added a prince
and I added honey colored hair
and a ball
and I added everything Kaila loved
unicorns
ice cream
love
you name it, it was in there
and I continued untill
I heard her heartbeat
ta-thump-ta-thump
once again

Kaila?
I asked again one day
she was once again in the hospital room
she had just went through more treatment
I knew she was tired
but I wanted to talk to her more
she didn’t answer
Kaila, do you want me to leave?
her eyes blinked open
no, no
stay here. I want you with me
she moved her hand so I could sit beside her
yes sissy?
she asked, her voice a whisper
it was late at night
but mommy still hadn’t shown up
how are you?
she smiled
I loved her smile
and I think she new it,
it was her way of telling me
no sissy, I haven’t given up
I’m fine. how are you?
I’m lovely if your OK.
she didn’t smile this time, it worried me
no.
she said quietly
I mean, how are you doing?
I felt like someone had slapped me
she knew, she knew
that’s all I could think of

ever since Kaila had gotten cancer
I was worried about her
I spent nights, crying, wondering
why this had happened to such a sweet girl
I felt like I had been betrayed

No!
I had screamed one night
Kaila, you can’t leave me
I will miss you
you are my all
you hold me here.
you could climb to the mountain peaks
and I would be there, with you
why does this happen?

I looked back at Kaila
her once shining eyes
were now tired and dull
not sparkling with life and rest
like before
I’m doing bad Kaila
I said quietly
blinking back tears
why do you have to have cancer?
why can’t it be a bank robber or something?
why Kaila?
why are you here?
why not me?

Kaila grabbed my hand
she squeezed it tight
it started to hurt, like a pinch at first
but it got harder and harder
why was she doing this?
I didn’t dare move
I didn’t dare struggle
I was stuck
with her squeezing my hand
Finally
she let go
she took deep breaths of air
like just squeezing my hand pained her

once she caught her breath
this is what she said
I’m not going to say that I’m not afraid
but I still have strength
even if its just a small amount
ill still strive on it
and sissy
she looked up at me
I saw the image of how she used to be
reflected in those beautiful blue eyes
Your not here, because
you may not have the strength I have
and I will hold on
because I have that strength
I hugged her
how could I ever have doubted her?
I love you sissy
she said quietly, leaning into me
I love you too Kay
I whispered
but it didn’t matter if I said it or not
she was already asleep
the quiet heartbeat
the only thing about her
that never changed
it still
and always will
go
ta-thump-ta-thump

I heard people rush in the hallway
something I was getting used to
because I spent so much time here
Kaila blinked her eyes wearily
a nurse came in the door
I cast a look at the clock
it was 3:42 AM
the nurse came over to Kaila’s bed
her voice sounded small
are you.. Kaila Wincrest?
Kaila nodded
I was getting scared
and who are you?
she asked, looking over at me
her sister
I said quietly
I was afraid
the nurse hesitated for a moment
then continued
you must go to room 520, both of you
I took the card she held out to me
I was a little room key pass
I was about to ask about it
but the little nurse
had already left
I cast a glance at Kaila
she was already getting out of the bed
ready to head to room 520
how could she be so ready?
something terrible was lurking around the corner
couldn’t she feel it?

I stood up
I was shaking
we walked quietly through the long hallway
we clicked the elevator button
we waited untill the small click signified sounded
saying that the doors were opening
we shuffled inside
floor 6
I read from the card
Kaila punched the button
she slipped her hand in mine
I’m scared
she whispered
I’m not going to lie to you
I said quietly
I am too

The doors opened
we walked down the hallway
513
514
515
Kaila counted out loud
the halls were empty
the floor was shiny and smooth
just like the halls Kaila and I slid on
wearing our socks,
mom would just shake her head and laugh

Sissy?
Kaila looked up at me
jolting me from my memory
520
she repeated
er… right
I said quietly
I slid the pass key in the lock
the light turned green
I turned the handle
but it was red again
dang..
I murmured
it took me 5 times
then Kaila took the key from me
she opened the door the first try
she knew I wasn’t trying

When the door opened all I saw were flowers
Kaila and I exchanged a glance
we took a few steps in
I saw a man
he was sitting near the bed
in an overstuffed leather chair
he was hunched over
doing something
umm hello?
Kaila’s voice broke the silence
then man straightened up
he turned around to face us
I gasped
no
I whispered

The man was Mike Lox
Mike was a skinny man
but he was very nice
Mike had been dating my mom for 3 years
he said that once day
he would take mom for his wife
Mike was always cheerful
ready to up you when your down
but today
Mike wasn’t peppy
Mike had dried tears on his face
Mike’s nose was red and sniffling

Kaila and I
run to the bed
I collapsed on my knees
Kaila stood, gripping the mattress
Mom laid there
she had an IV in her arm
she had a breathing mask on her face
Mommy?
Kaila asked
Mommy?
her voice raised
Mom, Mom!
she had tears coming down her face
she collapsed
Mo-
she broke off
I hugged her close to me
rocking her against my chest
I set my chin on her head
and once again
I heard the most reassuring sound
a heartbeat
ta-thump-ta-thump

I could have sat there forever
I could have cried my eyes dry
I could have screamed and threw a fit
but I just sat there
I looked up at Mike
he studied the floor.
What happened?
I asked silently
carcrash
his voice slurred
Kaila and I sat together in the chair
I looked up at him, expecting more
I asked her to marry me
and well..
he stumbled off
she was so surprised
he stumbled again
you asked her to marry you in the car?
I asked
he sighed
I couldn’t ask her
this was my last chance to
I’ve carried that ring in my pocket for a month
I had to ask her right then
I looked at him
he continued
she and I just had a fight
I said
Marie, I cant lose you
you’re the love of my life
he broke into tears
Kaila got up
she went over and hugged him
I’m glad you did
she said
her voice was muffled by his overcoat
he looked over at me
I nodded

the doctor came in
he set up X-rays on a lit up board
her leg
her arm
and her wrist
all broken
after the doctor spoke
Kaila whispered
but not her spirit, right?
I smiled at her
she could always make you smile
she could always find a good thing in terrible times
the doctor laughed
no, not her spirit

mom started to move her head
instantly we were all crowded around
including the doctor
mommy?
Kaila asked holding her hand
The doctor moved her bed to prop her up
mom murmured something
Marie?
Mike asked
I was speechless
and busy making sure
that I didn’t strangle her to death
for making us worry
and then kissing her
for striving
what happened?
she asked
her voice was scratchy
like someone who just woke up
well.. I guess she had

You don’t remember?
I asked, finding my voice
she shook her head
What did you eat for breakfast?
the doctor asked
What ? Whatt?!
I wanted to strangle him
stop ruining our moment!
he continued firing questions at her
all about yesterday
she kept saying
what?
and
I don’t know
and the famous last words
Get out of my face!

The doctor straightened up
she doesn’t remember a thing about yesterday
Mike gasped
I felt sorry for the poor fellow
I mean really
its got to be hard to ask a gal to marry you
let alone she not remember it
well then
he said quietly, clearing his throat
I’ll ask you again
he got down on one knee
and in the flower decked out hospital room
Mike Lox, became my step-father

That’s cute what Mike did
Kaila smiled
I know
I said tucking her in
but its what he wanted to do, he loves her
Kaila smiled again
looking at her old purple walls
you cleaned didn’t you?
I blushed
she giggled
I hear something
she whispered
I listened hard
I don’t hear anything
she shook her head
never mind
you still hear it don’t you?
I asked
she nodded
do you know what it is?
she nodded again
what is it?
she shook her head
your not ready
she whispered
Can you tell me the story again?
she asked
and just like that
our conversation was lost into a fairy tale

Mom and Mike’s wedding is today
they said since she waited so long
and since they’re so in love
they could just hang everything
they didn’t need a fancy wedding
just a time to get married
they were both hesitant to leave us alone
I assured them
we would be fine
they were off on a 3 day cruise
poor Mike, he was afraid of boats
but it was the only place they could go
so at 3:30 they were off to catch the ship

Kaila and I spent a lot of time together
playing and laughing
but
in the back of my mind
that voice was gnawing
not ready?
how am I not ready?
was she still hearing it?

sis?
Kaila asked the same day mom left
yes Kay?
if mommy had died
do you think she would have gone to heaven?

You see, our whole family was Christian
but when Kaila got cancer
well
I turned my back on him
Kaila didn’t though, she loved him more then ever
and so did mom
but sometimes I think she was still struggling

I looked at her
her eyes pleaded
I think she probably would have
I turned back to stirring the Mac and Cheese
do you think
if I died
I would go to heaven?
I stopped stirring and looked down at her again
tears filled my eyes
I ran
the tears flowed like waterfalls
I hid
in the closet
my favorite spot to think

I pressed my head against my knees
trying to get myself
to forget it all
Sissy?
Kaila’s small voice came
I sniffed
she opened the closet and sat down
she looked at me in wonder
why did you run?
I looked over at her
I sighed
Kaila… I’m scared
Don’t be scared
Jesus will watch over you when I go
I shook my head
Kaila, if he can do anything
I took a shaky breath
why didn’t he heal you?
she smiled again
I intend to ask him
Kaila…
I started to ask
hmmm?
what were you hearing?
when?
though I think she knew perfectly well
2 days before mom and Mike left
3 days ago…
I don’t think your ready
I started to protest
But
she continued
I will tell you
I hear Jesus calling sissy
he’s saying he’s going to take me home
the news came like a splash of water in winter
not at all refreshing
when?
I managed to choke out
she leaned against the wall
tonight
tonight he will come for me
and we sat in silence
just thinking it over
and I listened to her heartbeat
ta-thump-ta-thump

I crept into her room that night
just to check on her
she was sitting up in bed
Hi sis
she smiled
Hi
I let out my breath
she patted beside her
one more time?
the story
I smiled
what do you want in it?
I asked
she smiled
I was thinking about that
can we add
an ending?
I nodded
I started it when she was born
it was only fair to end it when she passed
Where were we?
I asked her
the dragon
she always knew exactly where we were
OK
well after they encountered the dragon…

I stopped
Kaila had been squeezing my hand
and she suddenly stopped
no…
I whispered turning towards her
her eyes were closed
a smile on her face
leaning against the pillow
but I didn’t feel sad
oh, I did feel great loss
but the sadness seemed to evaporate
I knew
it could only be the work of Kaila’s savior
it could only be the work of God
I will trust him
your in good hands
I whispered to Kaila
I leaned closer to her ear
and I whispered the famous last words
And they lived
happily
ever
after

Comments

[Frawgg]

That was wonderful, I don't believe in God, but I still loved it.
It was brilliant.

[Singingdream16]

This is beautiful, simply beautiful.

[awesomecacy]

Thank you both for commenting. This is my all-time favorite peices of mine. It took forever, which is why it's so long, too. It took about a week an a half to finish, then I had to edit it. I'm glad you all enjoyed it. =)

[Silvery Shadow 13]

Very nice. It's artwork, absolutely. My one complaint is that it's a pain they can't put the description above the story, because that kind of removes the point of it if you read it after the story, you already know what the story's about. It's very good, although watching the scrollbar can be a little intimidating. I would have had a heart attack if you had used complete lines.

[La Macabresque]

this story is beautiful. it brought tears to my eyes.
it was very sad but uplifting at the same time.
i truly enjoyed it. smile