• It’s dark and I don’t know where I am or how I got here. There are bottles of liquor and wine everywhere and on the table in front of me are a large pile of white cocaine and a huge bag of yellow crack. There is also a torch, a pipe, a tube of glue and an open can filled with gasoline. I look around me. There is blackness, there is alcohol, and there are drugs. There is an abundance of all of them. As I reach for one of the bottles, something inside of me tells me to stop, that what I’m doing is wrong, that I can’t do it anymore, that I’m killing myself. I reach anyway. I grip the bottle, bring it to my lips and take a long deep draw that burns my mouth, my throat and my stomach. I felt complete that moment. The pain I carry with me disappears. I feel comfortable and at rest, confident and secure, calm and composed. I felt good. Goddamn it, I feel ******** good. The feelings are gone as quickly as they came and I want them back. I don’t care what I have to do, what I have to take, what I have to endure. I’ll do anything. I just want them to come back. I seize bottle after bottle, take drink after drink, nothing works. Instead of feeling better, I feel increasingly worse. Everything I felt that was good has become bad and it has been magnified beyond any point of reference or comprehension. My only option is to try and kill. Kill what hurts. Kill it. I switch to the drugs. I take a deep breath and I bury my face in the pile of coke and I inhale and my nostrils turn to fire and the back of my throat becomes an inferno. I take a breath, inhale, take a breath, inhale, take a breath, and inhale. Too much too fast and my nose starts bleeding. I wipe the blood away and I take a breath and I inhale. I do it again. I rip open the bag of crack and I pull out a handful of small yellow rocks. I wipe the blood again and I snatch the pipe, which is a long straight piece of glass and a screen filter and I start stuffing rocks into it. I fill it, wipe the blood again, fire up the torch, put the pipe in my mouth, and bring the white flame to its tip. I inhale. Hot peppermint honey mixed with napalm followed by a rush a thousand fold stronger than the purest powder, & thousand fold more dangerous. The Rush consumes and overwhelms me. I feel good again, perfect, magnificent and invincible.It’s gone as fast as it came and I know it’s gone for good, replaced by fear, dread and a murderous I know I’m gone forever. I'm Dead.