Hidden Disguises

• Artist: goldenheart8
• Description: This is a story of wealthy families who disguised themselves as poor people. In the end,they met something they never expect. Please comment since I'm still a starter on writing stories. By the way, some names are just made by me.
• Date: 01/30/2009
• Tags: hidden disguises

In France long ago,there were two forests seperated only by a wide grassland. The Golden Emerald Forest (GEF) and the Mighty Green Forest (MGF). In the GEF,lived three sisters. Adelaire with a white complexion,long straight brown hair and brown eyes is 20 years old. She's a good hunter. An expert one.Blaire, the second has a white complexion,long straight blonde hair with a natural pink highlight and wavey at the bottom and blue eyes is already 18.She's a good swimmer and can dive for 20 minutes without breathing for air.The youngest who is 17 years old with a sky blue hair,white complexion and green eyes is named Claire.She is the best in swordsmanship. They had sweet voices, and knows how to handle all weapons and are good at all sports. Their wealth and riches are hidden at their secret place. They also owned three rare horses. Delaine, which is Adelaire's horse has a brown fur with brown eyes. Faleine is Blaire's horse. She has white fur with natural pink highlight and blue eyes. The last but not the least is Edeleine, Claire's semi-blue horse with light green eyes. In the other side of the forest, their lived three young men -Philippe,Edward and William.


Philippe is 21 with a straight brunette hair and dazzling brown eyes. The 19-year-old Edward has a straight black hair with natural golden highlight and golden eyes. William has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is 18 years old. Like the girls,they are talented and gifted too. They have strong masculine voices. They know all sports and all weapons. They also owned three horses. James is Philippe's brown stallion. Johnny is the black golden stallion of Edward. Jonver which is William's stallion is a white one.They live in MGF. Their riches and wealth too are hidden in their very own secret place. They have been hiding a secret. A secret that they are of royal blood in the long scrolls of history.

Pls comment and tell me what's wrong with it so I can make it better. Thank you everyone.

Comments

[qladez_1993]

thats sweet dude lol

[Zhelanie]

salemboy has reason. Don't tell us how they look, show us it.

but the story sounds good, so 3/5 ^^

[Kali_Xiong]

the story sound good... but i really dont get much about them 3 sister going rich!! tats all.. XD

[salemboy94]

Something I've heard a lot lately, and have tried to fix is everybody who reads my writing says, "Stop telling us how they look, and show us how they look." Integrate how they look, and their skills into the story, such as: "As Adelaire notched her arrow to take down the deer, she noticed a reflection of her white complexion out of the corner of her eye." Not that great of an example, but you get the point.
I apologize, but I would only give this 1 star if it were open for voting.

[HeraWolf]

Good job! But you seem to be confusing present tense with past tense a bit. Just work on that. smile

[Clapper Cheeks]

Good job. Keep it up.

[Bell_annabella]

sounds good so far biggrin