back up news

• Artist: full vampire
• Description: about a young wo who learnes a terrible secret to late. will her life ever be the the agian or will will she be like her father?
• Date: 12/24/2008
• Tags: badnews

chapter 1
long ago there was a man thats name was Adem S. Pooch working on a project of enternal life.The earth shook but efore he relized the potion had fallen and this purple smoxe went into his nose.He felt somhow,diffrent and comfused.His neighbor went over Adems house but when he gets there Adem bite his neck but let him go because the neighbor was stunnely weak.Adem'sn daughter who was 12,cried out,"Can i go to Shelby's house please?","yes my deryou may."
will be continued.............

Comments

[Lady Emergency]

;raises hand;
I think Autumn Charms got to this before me. xD

[Olivia Green]

(cut off)- sound, etc. Setting really helps create emotion. Things like 'the atmosphere was tense' come under setting and add emotion. They can also develop your characters further. eg, is our 'scientist' in his basement or an expensive home lab? Who lives next door? Does the little girl leave toys scattered about the ground, is the father a neat freak, such as mine? Any gold wedding bands? Etc etc.

Please take into account this brief overveiw before continuing with further works.

[Olivia Green]

(cut of) - On top of that, a little girl asks if she can leave. I'd assume she'd just run or freeze in fear, take your pick.

Next - Character flaws; We know very little of any of these characters, only names. There's is no description and no essence behind them. They have no emotion, and thus, no one really cares what happens to any of your charactrs.

Next (and this is a really big one) - setting FLAWS; Where the heck are we? We get no descripton of place, light or dark, temperature, sou

[Olivia Green]

Cough. Yes... let's start with the (not kidding) blindingly obvious grammar errors. That in and of itself needs so much work it's almost unbearable. One, general spelling, Two, capitals, full stops comma's, three, paragraphing (although there's not much to paragraph) four, when someone speaks, new line.

Next - storyline flaws; Ok... so, this isn't an altogether clear storyline. It's like, 'what the h*ll?' This guy is working on a potion, inhales some of it, and then bites someone. On top of

[Puddlezinn Mudd]

Hmm..
add detail (and check spelling/grammar), but other than that, it's pretty good.