The VAMPIRE's LOVE

• Artist: jmrt_12
• Description: This is a story of a girl that is a half earth girl and a half vampire and she will love a pure blooded vampire.
• Date: 08/22/2008
• Tags: vampirelovemandybryanyerrotanfriend

A girl named mandy is from earth.She is never been a bad child to her parents.Her parents has a secret to her."Mandy is a Vampire!!"Mandy's mom(Lara Yerro) said."Oh...She might know it and go away if she will know it so don't say it...When will she become a vampire??"Mandy's father(Gino Yerro) said."I'll ask to a fortune teller."Lara said.Lara asked to the fortune teller when is the full moon.."It is on the august 30."fortune teller said."Oh.Ineed to remind my daughter dat she is a vampire..!"Lara said.Lara said to Mandy that Mandy is a half vampire.Mandy grew up..
Now,she is 20 yrs. old."Hi...,,..I'm bryan Tan..You?"Bryan asked."I'm Mandy Yerro.."Mandy said."Oh...Can I be your friend?"Bryan asked."Sure!"Mandy said.Mandy and Bryan became close and one day,Bryan said."Hey Mandy lets go to Mc Donalds..""Ok.."MAndy said.Bryan and Mandy rode a motorcycle.after a few minutes...Bryan noticed that they might die because of the brake had a problem but Bryan did not say to Mandy anything."Mandy..Wear your helmet for safety and remember that I love you and I'll always love you forever!"Bryan said.Bryan hugged Mandy and cover mandy so mandy will not die."Oh Bryan!!!Why is dis happening to you...You died because of me!!*sob*"MAndy said while crying..In Mandy's dream,Bryan said."Hey Mandy,..Love someone that is like me...thanks..goodbye my love."Bryan said.
AFter that..Mandy became a vampire.. crying ..

THE END!!! heart heart heart

Comments

[wildflower2828]

I agree with everyone that is below me. It is choppy and you need to develop a story

[amberfire365]

It is choppy and all over the place, you need to develope your story a little more than what you have here.

[Carega]

A couple things...

Try breaking up your writing into paragraphs. Make one new one for each person speaking, it makes it much easier to read.

Oh, and you totally stole the ending of the story from a chain email. It's nice, but it really isn't your idea, you know? Unless you're the one that wrote it in the first place.