• Dear Fellow human,

    My story is not an easy one to tell. Strain causes you to do some crazy things. This is a chronicle of the hardest time of my life.

    I had just came out as bi he was the first person I told. He seemed okay with it at first. I don't know why I had to push it, we were kinda close he was kinda my go to guy and I had a lot of issues to work through. I was a high school kid sophomore year. He was the same way with a major difference. He had worked up this large group of support through his friends whom I at the time felt did not like me enough to risk trying to talk to them about anything personal. One night I made the mistake of getting drunk and telling him how I felt. I had my first high school crush, how pathetic. I had developed feelings for him and in all honesty that is a fact I don't like to admit anymore. I put him in a spot and that spot seemed to bring out the worst in him. It is not like I could have predicted this. He had come out as bi just recently and I figured if anything he would just accept it and move on. I actually now believe it was some sort of ruse he put on just to pick up on those sensitive pseudo activist girls he seemed to date all the time. He started making jokes. They were so subtle just enough to fly under the radar but they stung. I little pun here and there taking how I felt towards another man and putting it in a negative light. However he never seemed to be joking.

    I want to make one thing clear. When you trust someone ,when you really trust someone, you are not so ready to just pass everything off as a joke. I really trusted him, and I really believed this was something I did wrong. Without anywhere to turn I freaked. I did not know what to do. My support system was gone no one else would have understood if I had talked to them about it. I cried every night. I had lost it I hated my self nothing, no one was helping. I wanted to ask for help but from whom. I had so well maintained the illusion that I had no emotion. My feelings for him seemed to be a taboo subject. I started doing things. I would cut myself and leave the shirt up just enough for it to show. I wanted to attract his attention. In truth I was just adopting the little things he did when he needed help. I just wanted him to sit down next to me and ask me what was wrong. It seemed like the subject would be less taboo if he had brought it up. He didn't care. I couldn't think straight I was slowly loosing my mind. I honestly tried to kill my self one day. right in front of him. He didn't even take notice. I don't know what was wrong with me I thought maybe if he saw me try he would stop me. I thought maybe if I went to the hospital someone would notice. someone would care. I took an entire bottle of allergy pills he didn't even take notice. It just made me tired. I guess at the time I was under the impression two many of anything would kill me or at least make me sick.

    Maybe if he did notice he realized it was just a cry for attention. I needed it then more than ever I needed someone to tell me I'm not worthless, I was doing nothing wrong, That there were people out there who loved me, that I was a decent friend, anything just for once I wanted to hear something.

    During this period I tried to bring it up myself but he never wanted to hear it. He just ignored me.

    After a good month or so I built up a defense mechanism I today call my a*****e reflex. It is a hurtful joke I make when I feel threatened by something. Mind you after all of this that was a lot. It was another tactic I adopted from him. I was afraid of anyone getting close to me. I was afraid of anyone putting me down. Most of all I was afraid of him. I couldn't help myself. I guess I kinda just wanted him to feel as pathetic as he made me feel. This escalated on both sides for quite a while. I for some reason clung on to the friendship. I guess I believed that if I held out long enough he would finally just ask me what was wrong. I clung to hard he actually brought up that I "never left him alone" which looking back on it, no I did not I was desperate. I tried to tell him again here.

    This is just about the point the s**t hit the fan. My a*****e reflex went a little to far and he sent me a message that said something along the lines of "If you do not quit I'm never speaking to you again." Something clicked here. I don't know what, just something. It was like for the first time in a year my brain functioned properly. I told him off. I listed every little detail of his pathetic existence. I let him know he was a hypocrite, that he was two faced and by proxy of the two a liar. I felt freed by this.The gears started turning and I was able to think. I realized that I don't need constant praise from everyone else, like wise I don't need anyone who would constantly put me down. He was not my friend just another pathetic homophobe as ignorant as could be, and a spiteful one at that. He found a way to isolate me and broke me.

    I don't think reading this anyone could understand what it is like to cry every night because someone you trust says there is something wrong with you. On the other hand, I hope you never find out.

    With Love and Regards
    whomever you are,
    Alex


    By: Matthew Aaron Draft