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And I saw him. A tall man of no discernible height. A thin ghostly figure he was, with sunken cheeks and deep set eyes. His long, wavy black hair was parted neatly down the middle. And those eyes, a piercing light blue, so cold and heartless. He had no eyebrows, but he was beautiful none the less. He had a long pointy nose and pointy ears, partially hidden by his hair. His skin was so pale, nearly transparent. It was strange to look at him; he seemed to glimmer like a reflection on water.
I guess I expected something different than the black suit with a white vest and white button-up shirt. He wore shiny black shoes and carried a long black cane with a silver owl's head at the top. He was so beautiful.
But as I stared at him, he smiled, sending chills down my spine. That smile would haunt me for the rest of my life. Each and every tooth, though perfectly straight, was pointed, and sharp, ready to devour anything that got into their path. Ready to shred my soul and watch me suffer for eternity.
He continued to stare at me and tighten his long, bony fingers with long, sharp fingernails around the head on his cane. And then he spoke. His voice so deep, almost hollow sounding.
"It's not over. Not even close."
- Title: Michael
- Artist: xSEPTUSx
- Description: Something I'm working on... Not finished yet, but I'd like your comments please.
- Date: 07/16/2008
- Tags: demon evil creepy
- Report Post
Comments (6 Comments)
- CR Kyrie - 07/16/2008
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((Crap, it cut off.))
-earlier. Also, you reuse words too often. When words like 'white' or 'black' are put in so frequently (three to four words apart), it's hard to keep taking the story seriously. It just looks slightly unprofessional. Still (since there are no line-breaks in the comment box), I really like the story. I would like to see it once it's expanded on as well. - Report As Spam
- CR Kyrie - 07/16/2008
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There are a couple of problems that I would like to point out.
First, your description of the man is far too static. If you read the more critically-acclaimed books, you'll find that the author will describe his or her characters through action. Or not at all. You dump all this information on us all at once, which is difficult to read. This is similar to what 'Dearest Sweetheart' said - Report As Spam
- sun xD - 07/16/2008
- wow...creepy. great job! =]
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- xSEPTUSx - 07/16/2008
- Thanks! But no, I just wanted the reader to get a very vivid image of this character. And those details will play a big part in the rest of it, but they won't totally flood it. And nothing else will get that kind of detail in the rest either...that way I make sure only HE stands out and is memorable
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- Paradoxial Mouse - 07/16/2008
- Nice details, but make sure they don't yank you off the storyline when you continue. I've made the mistake of too many details before...not pretty once finished...
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- Legend3972 - 07/16/2008
- Thats awesome. Great Details!
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