• CHAPTER 83 - SO...AM I OVERREACTING?

    It could be an overreaction...hey, what else do you expect from PMS?

    It was somewhat hard to sleep, knowing that I was close to unwillingly having sex with Kai in his car on prom night. He hadn't pressured me in the least bit. He didn't try to undress me or drag me to the back seat and he didn't try to force himself on me in the slightest bit. I nearly caved in because I knew I would hate myself for rejecting someone like Kai. He was only telling me how he feels. He knows I'm afraid of sex, he completely understands that. It seemed he was upset not because I rejected his new feelings, but because he knew he scared me and caught me off guard. I was actually surprised I was able to say no; I usually cave into everything.

    "I don't even understand myself," I mumbled to myself under the covers of Kai's bed and stroked Momo's head.

    I climbed out of bed and took another moment to wake up. Looking behind me, Momo was still curled up and fast asleep. I stroked him behind his ears and he adjusted his sleeping position and I exited the bedroom. The house was surprisingly quiet. It wouldn't surprise me if everybody left so they could actually go grocery shopping unlike they claimed Kai was doing last night. They probably wanted to leave me to sleep. Was Kai still here? Did anybody else find out about what Kai asked me last night?

    The laundry room was quite a hike, even though it was only downstairs under the stairs. I grabbed one of two baskets of clean clothes from the laundry room and hauled it upstairs. The basket dropped noisily to the bedroom floor due to my lack of afternoon strength and as soon as I turned outside of the bedroom door, I ran into a statue. Looking up, my eyes only ended up meeting with Kai's pale neck.

    Without looking up into his eyes, I pushed some hair behind one of my ears and looked down, "Um, sorry,"

    "It's okay," Kai mumbled after a few long seconds.

    The silence that followed soon after Kai's last words rang in my ears. I fondled with my engagement ring that was burning through my flesh. I felt like a horrible person, rejecting Kai so abruptly. What kind of a girlfriend was I anyways? Was there any way I could make this up to him?

    "Hey, Kai?" I looked up at him again, still avoiding eye contact.

    "Hm?"

    "Um...I just came up with an idea," I mumbled. "Do you mind hearing it?"

    "Go ahead," he encouraged.

    I sighed, "Promise not to wander in my head while I'm thinking?"

    As soon as Kai nodded, I looked down and took a deep breath. I didn't know if I would regret my sudden idea, but I won't know until it comes out of my mouth...until it's too late. But the question was, would Kai take me upon my offer?

    "How about..." I paused for a long moment. "How about we schedule the wedding for as soon as possible?"

    My hands were shaking as Kai looked down at me, "Why?"

    "Well, I mean..." I held my hands together to keep them from shaking so violently, "You know, during the honeymoon. You could...do whatever you want."

    "What are you bringing on?" he asked, although I was more than sure that he knew what I was offering.

    I closed my eyes and looked down, "The sooner the honeymoon, the sooner we can--,"

    My offer was interrupted as Kai gripped my waist with both of his large hands and plastered his lips onto mine. My heart leaped so suddenly that I could have sworn it stopped. My arms hung limp as Kai's hands moved down to my hips and he pulled me closer. I could feel the cold of his hands through my camisole and my hands gripped onto his wife-beater tank top. I ran my hands through his hair shortly after I gripped his shirt and Kai exhaled deeply into my mouth.

    "Kai, wai--,"

    I was silenced by his urgent mouth again. His hand was halfway up the back of my camisole before he teleported us into his bedroom and onto his plush bed. Momo awoke with a freight and scurried off of the bed and out of the bedroom. Kai's kissing continued and I could feel my throat choking on tears I knew were coming. I still didn't know if Kai was taking me upon my offer; I couldn't even think straight to know what his reply was.

    I was squirming under his steel torso and my legs were almost kicking with how much adrenaline was rushing through my very body. My hands couldn't find out where to go so I only gripped the comforter with all I could. Was Kai taking me upon my offer but instead of the honeymoon, do it right now? Was he trying to...?

    It was when Kai's hand reached down to my bottom that my eyes turned into a bursting dam. I cried out loud, disturbing our kissing and the crying was uncontrollable. Kai stopped immediately and I noticed he was looking down at me with an apathetic complexion with a subtle hint of noticeable lecture in his eyes. Covering my face with my hands couldn't hide how scared or ashamed I was feeling about everything. My world was spinning with confusion and self-hatred and I mellowed in all of that as Kai only stared at me with the same expression. It surprised me that he wasn't looking down at me in shock or even anger.

    "Arisa," Kai whispered, brushing back some of my bangs. "Arisa, take a breath."

    I gasped for a large breath after I finally realized I hadn't taken a single breath during my crying. Kai continued to brush my bangs aside and he kept staring at me. I tried to roll off of the bed and run off, but Kai stopped me before I could halfway roll over. I didn't want him looking at me, looking at my horrid and unfaithful and pathetic self.

    "I'm-I'm sorry," I wiped some tears away. "I-I--."

    "Arisa," Kai sighed, "calm down."

    "I can't!" I cried. "I'm such a horrible person!"

    "Arisa--,"

    "You-you had another chance and I-I ruined it!" my hand covered my mouth.

    Another very long moment passed before my crying calmed down halfway. I breathed heavily to pull myself together as Kai continued to play with my bangs. My palms were sweating through the comforter that I continued to grip firmly. Kai's hand cupped my right cheek and I only looked away, feeling that looking Kai in the eye was the worst I could do.

    "Don't you dare," he seethed through his teeth, "give up your innocence in such a manner."

    "I--,"

    "You're not ready," he pursed his lips and burrowed his eyebrows in frustration. "Don't say you're ready because you're the farthest from it."

    "Kai, I'm--,"

    "Your opinion hasn't changed a fragment since last night," he continued to lecture me. "It's still one of your greatest fears. Why would you offer yourself so freely?"

    "Because..." I closed my eyes. "Because you really seemed to want to last night. I felt horrible for rejecting you; I figured you'd be happier if I did as you wanted."

    Kai looked down after closing his eyes and a growl rumbled through his chest and seethed out of his teeth. He gripped the pillow on both sides of my head and his fingernails audibly tore through it, "You're not a toy, Arisa,"

    "What do you mean?"

    "You don't give yourself up for somebody else's needs," he halfway glared at me. "You don't offer yourself for my sake."

    "But you seemed so upset--,"

    "I was only disconcerted because it scared you, Arisa," he lectured again. "I didn't tell you how I felt last night so that you would ponder the thought to give up your innocence. I told you because it's best for you to know."

    "We're going to marry anyways," I sniffed. "So why is it so wrong if you're already ready?"

    "Because you're not,"

    Fear was overcoming me at the thought that Kai was angry with me, "You're not angry, are you?"

    "I'm angry that you assumed I'd take you upon your sudden offer," he caressed me. "You're not a toy. Don't tell me I'm permitted to do whatever I want to you."

    I closed my eyes, "What about the wedding?"

    "We're not scheduling it for as soon as possible. It will be scheduled as soon as you know you're ready."

    "What about--,"

    "When you're ready,"

    I cracked my eyes open and sighed deeply, "I'm so sorry,"

    Kai leaned down and kissed my forehead firmly, "I'm not suffering, Arisa,"

    "I just..." I sighed. "I just want to do anything to satisfy you."

    "That won't satisfy me," he pressed his forehead against mine, "if you're not ready."

    I paused, "So you're waiting?"

    "I'll wait for as long as time runs," he cupped the back of my head and kissed my forehead again. "Just don't rush yourself. It's not like I'll force you or mope around since you said no."

    I closed my eyes and smiled halfheartedly while his lips continued to rest on my forehead, "Thank you for understanding,"

    "Honestly, I wish I could say the same," he kissed my nose.

    I breathed out a small laugh, "Yeah,"

    Kai rose himself to his knees and I sat up halfway before Kai wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in for a wet kiss. I didn't know what came over me to suddenly tell Kai he could do what he wanted to do last night.

    "I knew you'd break down," he stopped the kiss. "I wanted to prove you weren't prepared."

    "That's cruel," I teased a little with a light smile.

    He kissed me again and traced my lips with the tip of his tongue, as he always used to do. I only fell deeper in love with him but the guilt from what I tried to do was still rotting me away inch by inch. I wished there was a way I could be prepared; I would love nothing more than to make Kai all mine, but I'm just not ready. And I'll never be ready if I'm constantly scared of taking it a step further. I just need to steady myself; go at my own pace. I know for sure now that Kai was waiting; he said so himself that he's not suffering. He's not the kind of person that will persuade somebody else for something he wants. He won't pressure or persuade me; he probably won't even bring it up.

    "I'm so glad I can trust you," I pecked his lips.

    "I won't lie to you," he opened his eyes slowly. "I won't betray you."

    My head leaned against his broad torso and I sighed, "I gave myself quite the fright,"

    "You did nothing wrong," he whispered to me.

    "Yes I did, and you know it," I accused.

    "You did nothing wrong, Arisa," he kissed my head. "You were only confused."

    I traced my left index finger over his lips, "I was,"

    He smiled halfheartedly, "You need to be more focused on school right now," he sighed as I locked my arms around his neck. "The wedding should be the last thing on your mind."

    "Oh, crap!" I panicked. "You need to help me study!"

    He kissed my forehead one more time, "Can do,"

    Kai...he's so precious...